Sometimes in life, its all perfect, the person, the love, the kisses, the rush, the meanings, the fountains, the insanity, the understanding, but its all get spoiled by the course of fate, however we try to make it right, something sometimes just don’t end up being in love with us, howsoever much we love it. This post is dedicated to all those perfect love affairs that didn’t last till forever!
Its 12 in the noon and I’m still laying on my bed, with narcoleptic eyes, and fucked up emotions. I’m laying here on my bed, depressed, broken, torn apart, hopeful, and above all, tear-lessly. Its been months that I cannot shed tears now, and I really want to, I really want to shed my pain away, but it doesn’t happen, not yet. I have to live with it, I guess.
1. We have to meet at 4 in the evening, and I’m jumping up and down inside me to meet you, to touch you, to talk to you, but also I do not want to. I do not want to because in my phone, among your words, I can see the word “last”. And I do not want to make it our last.
2. I always used to think that we are perfect, despite our mutual brokenness, despite our chaotic minds, despite my drinking habits and your overthinking. Because we understood each other, We knew, when we need to talk to each other, and when we need only some comforting silence. But now fate has beaten us, beaten our love.
3. Fate and timing, these two fucks us big time. Each one of us, have been victims of these two merciless killers. And nothing beats them, not even the strongest bond, or the deepest love. Nothing beats them. And darling we too, have to surrender in front of them, and I feel ashamed when I remember my promises of making you always happy, always match your sanity, always dance with you in the moonlight, but now it all seem so worthless, so dishonest, and I cannot look you in the eye when I remember.
4. I know you hate metaphors, but I’m going to use them now, broken hearts love metaphors, I know you talk in them too, just hate mine…much like the lone boat survivor hating the sound of waves, that reminds him of the dead people he has come past through, and much like the twilight that hates the light of the brightest stars, for they remind it the dark, dark night we all know and yearn for. The dreadful night, mutually sharing the weight of our eye bags.
5. I know you got things to do, you have to face the society, you want to look in the eyes fearlessly, and thus you want “us” to end. And I understand it, I get all of it, because I have to do the same. I want to. But lets hope for a moment that we do not need to ever face the society, ever. Lets hope that like what if we go apart, and then regret it, what if you would have gotten married to someone else by then, what if my drinking doesn’t stop and I become an alcoholic? What if baby? What if?
6. Here comes the most conflicting phrase ever, “what if”.
And it fucks our soul more than fate can ever do. The existentialist in us makes it even worse, the hopes that we can end up happily drags us more in depression, how IRONIC.
What if the you hear my prays, what if you see my heart, what if the society does too?
What if we run away, and no one cares at all. What if we jump off the building and meet in the stars, what if the alien comes and orders the nation to let us two to stay with each other forever. I know I’m being childish as usual, but what if? Ah, fuck it!
7. I do not know what to write now, the clock is ticking, and I have no mood to get up, and take a shower. I do not want to shape my beard the way you like it, and do not want to wear your favorite shirt, do not want to reach to you on time, and do not want to love you the way you want to. So that you stay, so that you do not take my love for granted, and stay. And stay here, in my arms, in my life, teaching me how to love, teaching me how to express my love, teaching me how to dress, and making me whole again.
But who am I kidding, you already want it, and can’t. I understand.
8. The problem is you’re too mature, too thoughtful, too heroic, too sacrificing, and I used to love these traits of you. Just that I never imagined that you will one day sacrifice me.
I know we are ending this, and ending this only to keep us sane.
But really I do not want that.
9. Why can’t we stay like this? And when the time comes, we will part ways.
What say? I will rather hate myself to heights, think of killing myself, peep into self loathing, drown in loneliness, than not being able to remember you voice, and the way you call my name, the way you blush when I make you laugh.
10. So darling? Lets not end this. Lets not make this 4pm sunset our last. Lets not hate ourselves afterwards. Lets keep trying. Lets love and love, and forget everything else.
Lets dance our doubts out, and sing our pain, and then catch ourselves smiling for no reasons, Lets try and make it worthwhile. Exuberant feet walk longer than crippled ones.
Meet you at 4. Take care. I will be in my normal clothes, standing with my smile and hope, and will be awaiting you.